Anxiety, The 4 'R's, Making and Doing And That Kind Of Thing

 

From right to left - journal (a thin exercise style book I write in using my posh fountain pen every few days or so) appointment diary that I write all my appointments and a brief outline of what I've been up to - journal is more for how working out how I'm feeling about things, pink book is my 'commonplace book' that I write uplifting or insightful or helpful quotes in, techniques for helping feel less panicky - so it's primarily to do with my mental health and what I can do/read/think about to help stop anxiety completely taking over, the coffin stickers were a present from a friend.
 I have been putting them on all sorts of things... 
Commonplace books were especially the habit of middle and upper class women in the Victorian era where they were used to write down inspiring quotes, copies of poems, recipe ideas and that kind of thing. It pleases me to be carrying on a Victorian era habit - as well as helping me to better appreciate and reinforce new ways of thinking.

Sample of some of the books I'm reading at the moment for the research project I'm part of at Leeds Arts University, along with the notebook (also with a coffin sticker so on brand) - some of these books are my own, some on loan from the Arts Uni library and some from council run Leeds Library Services
 

My current post it note, big project notebook, blank post it notes, melon topped paperclip and a big chunky pen. As you may have noticed I am a sucker for a notebook and a lovely pen to write with.

I last updated this blog in March 2022 and it's been on my to do list to update it again but for various reasons I have been finding it difficult to get round to doing it.

Partly because sometimes I find it too difficult to find/create/maintain the headspace in order to be able to properly marshall my thoughts and express them. Anxiety is frankly a f**ker so some days going for a walk and distracting myself in a novel or a lovely old black and white film is a better way of keeping the anxiety weasels at bay and also mainly because in March I applied to be part of the aforementioned research project at Leeds Arts Uni (what was Leeds College of Art and will always be 'the college' to me) and I have been mostly focusing on that.

One of the things I am finding so anxiety provoking is the reality that the pandemic is nowhere near  over - despite so many people and our shitshow of a corrupt and morally bankrupt government behaving as if it was. I am still finding it difficult to be indoors with others unless I'm in a well ventilated room with easy access to the door and the thought of public transport and the inability to choose who you sit next to, how close or rather how far you sit from them frankly brings me out in hives. 

I was never very comfortable being in busy cramped noisy indoor spaces jammed up too close for comfort with others and all Covid has done has add another layer of extreme discomfort and anxiety to the discomfort and anxiety I was already feeling.  I am tremendously grateful that mostly I do not have to leave the house unless I choose to and that I can choose where and how I go as well. I am going out a lot more than I did but I still choose times when it's likely to be quietest and I'll be able to keep a decent distance from others otherwise my anxiety is so strong (no matter what actions I take to stop it) that it completely detracts from and ruins whatever it is I'm trying to enjoy.

Panic attacks are no fun - either for the person having them or the people around the person having one and when I do have one it takes me a long time to come back down from them and start to feel vaguely normal again. I find breathing and counting and getting away from the stimulus causing the feelings of panic the best thing to do along with beta blockers that help with the physical symptoms. And a look at my beloved Hacker T Dog, Spongebob or Count Arthur Strong will make me laugh, make me smile or if things are really bad at least distract me enough to stop it spiralling further. 

Sometimes though I cannot work out exactly what it is that is making me feel so anxious so getting away from it is not so easy. And along with the racing heartbeat, tunnel vision etc, I also have to fight against the negative feelings I have about feeling so panicked and anxious in the first place, especially when I feel like I am letting people down by not being able to go out for things I thought I could cope with or that one day I can cope with and another day I just can't. That feeling like it's me who is somehow at fault for having them and that it's a weakness is hard to deal with sometimes - especially when despite all my hard work to rid myself of such feelings it's still there just waiting for a trigger.

I have to remind myself that I do and am working hard to deal with them and work around them and that they are just part of me. Plus I am very lucky to be mostly surrounded by supportive and understanding people and those that aren't supportive and understanding can just take a long walk off a very short pier. 

So the project is the reason behind all those books and notes  - I've made good progress on it so far and have enjoyed the sessions at the college and with my mentor but I have a lot more to do and a lot to make and create before the exhibition opens in October (watch this space for details). 

One of the things I'm going to be trying out is a new (to me) matte medium image transfer method which sounds a bit more fiddly than the one I'm used to but will also hopefully result in an image that I can transfer onto more uneven and potentially tricksy surfaces like branches and maybe even leaves. So far I have had success using my old method transferring images onto coffin lining material - it's shiny like coat lining material, muslin, canvas and cotton. So if the new method fails there's always that method to fall back on instead. 

I'm really enjoying the project as it's enabled a revaluation and revitalisation of my thinking and processes, given me new connections with other artists and more reason to be hanging out in the library - basically doing the 4 'R's' which are - reading, 'riting, researching and recording. It's also making me think again about resuming these studies formally in a PhD type context but I've a lot more thinking and doing (and saving up) to do before I can do that on a practical level.  

But in the meantime watch this space for more musings on working methods, research questions, outcomes and artefacts and I hope that if you suffer from anxiety too you can find or have a good way to ease your way out of it.

Thank you for reading.