MA-Ness Term 3 Week 7 Printing, Loss, Trying To Keep Work Going

My beloved Lucia keeping an eye on some of my first cyanotypes

this weeks post it note is very empty compared to previous weeks 

...and this is because this last week has been overshadowed by the death of one of my beloved cats Lucia who died very suddenly and unexpectedly on Wednesday morning. She was a rescue cat and my husband and I adopted her and her sister Mapp when they were 6 month old kittens back in November 2008. It goes without saying that I adored her and I am heartbroken as she was my little baby and the house is so very empty and quiet without her - though her sister Mapp  who I equally adore but in a different way has become a little noisier in her absence. In fact as I am typing she is behind me reminding me quite loudly that even if I don't feel like eating she does and it is her teatime.

 And other than doing a lot of printing on Tuesday (prior to Lucia's death)  I haven't done much else though I did make it into college on Friday but I was on the verge of tears most of the time and I didn't really speak much or contribute to what was an interesting and thought provoking presentation by Dr Michael McMillan.I did make some notes but they are disjointed because I was so distracted but I do remember very much enjoying looking at his book called The Front Room - Migrant Aesthetics In The Home as it featured pictures of so many things familiar and comforting from my childhood - and you can see images from it here - things like the books of green shield stamps which along with Embassy Cigarette vouchers were collected and swapped for hairdryers, heated rollers and the like, the patterned carpets, the radiogram, the glass Murano fish, crocheted poodle dog covers - all of which my Nana loved and which have profoundly influenced my love of what others often sneeringly dismiss as 'kitsch' - it may well be and I can look at some of those objects and think that in design terms they are horrid but in memory terms they are pricelessly wonderful.

And I must read 'Stuff' by Daniel Miller....   

But whilst I am struggling to summon up the necessary motivation or enthusiasm for work I am conscious of the fact that whilst things may feel very bleak and pointless right at this moment in time - I have commitments and things that need doing so I may as well force myself to get on with them - plus at least writing this I don't have to interact with or talk to anyone, I can take a break whenever I need to and as no-one can see me it doesn't matter that my eyes are red raw and look like pissholes in snow. I don't think time is a great healer but I do think it is a great 'duller' and at least trying to keep busy is one way of dealing with things.

On Tuesday I did a lot of printing - or rather the affable chap in the digital print room set up the numerous images I took in on a memory stick to print on the various big printers in the room and an hour and a half later I had:

• 34 A4 sized images on tracing paper
• 14 A2 sized images also on tracing paper - 4 of these will be my contribution to the end of year work in progress show that we are in the process of setting up in the MA tutorial room. If all goes to plan they will be in one of the rooms windows for the show.
• 4 postcard sized images on adhesive paper that I plan to cut out and stick to the grave candles I bought from the place on the Headrow that is like Ikea but without the soft furnishings.
• 6 postcard sized images on glossy paper that I am thinking of sending to Woodend Creative in Scarborough for possible inclusion in one of their exhibitions.

I now need to buy an A2 presentation folder to keep the A2 pics flat - I've currently got them in a portfolio but it's not much good for viewing them as such plus it's quite heavy and an A2 presentation folder will be easier when it comes to hand in time again which is in the middle of August. I am loving tracing paper as a medium to print on as it has just the right amount of translucency and some movement to it too if left to hang by bulldog clips and fishing wire, but it does curl sometimes if not kept flat...though that can apply to all kinds of papers.

I have not forgotten my plan to have some of my images blown up to burial plot size on grey silk organza but printing on tracing paper in the meantime is both beautiful in its own right but also *so* much cheaper and a good way of seeing whether or not the images I pick will be as effective when blown up so large. To have 3 silk panels will cost approximately £150 - the same on tracing paper will be around £15...and even though my maths is rubbish - even without a calculator I can work out that is a tenth of the cost.

I am mindful that we have to hand in our portfolio again in August and one of the things I have been thinking about is how my work and working practices have changed since I started the course back in September 2014. I think I've become more disciplined and efficient in my working practices - eg mentally setting aside every Monday to write this blog which is not only a focus for my work and my thoughts around it but also invaluable when it comes to hand in time as it functions as an easily printoutable, readable and understandable overarching research journal (as my scribbled post it notes and actual notebooks would be a right ball ache for a tutor to slog through)  plus I am more technically aware (I have a much better if still minimal knowledge of Photoshop as I have previously both never and refused to use it and better knowledge of printing methods and cyanotypes) plus I have a much better grasp of some of the theoretical analyses of artworks too - and an expanded vocabulary too.

This along with the pile of books on my right hand side which includes such gems as 'The Secret Cemetery' and 'Death Heaven and The Victorians' are still taunting me with their un-readness remain on my to do list...a to do list I shall have to force myself  to do, maybe it'll be a bit easier over the summer period as hopefully the pain will dull plus the college workshops have much more limited access over the summer months as that's when most staff take their holidays so I doubt  I'll be doing much actually in college as such.

One of the quotes I have on my workroom wall is one from Roland Barthes - 'that rather terrible thing there is in every photograph: the return of the dead' and its full import is only just hitting me really - at the moment I find it very difficult to look at any of the many pictures I took of my beloved Lucia as her vitality in them remind me all too sharply that she is dead and I can no longer ruffle her fur and she will not demand a fuss from me again. I have written down all my memories of her (as I have written down my memories of all my loved ones who are no longer with us) and I have plans for some of her ashes to be incorporated into some jewellery (the advantage of having a chum who is a jeweller) so that I can always carry a part of her around with me all the time. And that is what my note 'documenting memories' refers to - how we do that as individuals, and as a society and what the accepted norms are for so doing - but also how important it is to do it or else we run the risk of forgetting.

And I have not done much more than looking at definitions on wikipedia of the words:

Narrative

Agency

Authenticity

and to which I need to add the word 'Fetish' as it is also used a lot but in a particular way in artistic discourse which I'm not entirely sure I understand and so I don't feel confident of using it with regard to my own work.

Aside from a meeting today to which I gave my apologies this week is much quieter than previous ones had been so am hoping I can distract myself in books as the books won't mind when I break off for a weep or I just need to sit with Mapp and my memories for a bit.

 

MA-Ness Week 5 Anniversaries, Comfort of Ritual and Non Sticky Sticky Stuff

I've been busy these last few days - both in terms of doing and in terms of thinking plus it has been an emotional time too. A week last Saturday it was the moving and beautiful memorial service for my friend Henry Tickner who died just over a year ago. To say I miss him lots is an understatement - he was the only other person I know who liked black and white silent german films as much as me and his knowledge of classical music was (amongst my chums anyway) unequalled and I would have loved to have talked to him about this art and cultural studies malarkey as I'm sure he'd have provided both valuable insight and a useful sounding board. Plus we both loved scumming it at the Olympic Cafe opposite the Corn Exchange as their spam fritters are the best in Leeds (if not the only ones left in Leeds thanks to the rise of corporate crap coffee shops or hipster central places...)

Plus it was mine and my husbands 6th wedding anniversary and we have had a fantastic weekend away enjoying the wilds of Cleethorpes - lovely food in a french restaurant, long walks along the salt marshes watching the tankers in the Humber and wondering what it would be like on one of the Humber forts, playing the twopenny falls and I won a lolly, having our picture taken by a disembodied american sounding Van Gogh Studio Picture Booth and seeing a very good amateur production of The Strange Case of Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde and of course visiting one of Cleethorpes victorian cemeteries (the one on Beacon Avenue) and last but not least having ice cream in the bitterly cold wind on the front....and of course taking lots of photographs and in an somewhat unusual departure for me in COLOUR as I wanted to capture midwinter bleak and thought that would be better done in colour and having had the pictures developed I can say it has.

But I've also been thinking about the comfort of ritual and why we do what we do when someone dies, and what the apparent social niceties are surrounding death and I am still working out how to incorporate this into my artwork in a coherent manner. As ever - lots of food for thought for me......

I also took part in the Cultural Heritage Show and Tell event at Leeds Museum and it was good practice for me to make a powerpoint presentation in front of (mostly) strangers but there was one friendly face from the MA course and my husband and chum Penny also came along to give me moral support - though the glass of wine beforehand also helped. It seemed to go down well as I got a couple of offers from people who would like to model for me as faux victorian widows or corpses and the offer of a perusal of a collection of condolence letters (albeit from the 1930's but am sure they will still be very interesting and it'll be interesting to see what habits and social norms from the victorian era were still in effect then) and the contact details for the chap in charge of the anatomical specimens at Leeds Medical School.....and also at the risk of sounding big headed my slides looked the best in terms of design and layout - but then as I was the only artist presenting it would have been a poor show if they hadn't really.

I said I'd been doing lots more doing - not least because we had to take some work into college last week for a 'silent crit' which is where the artist says nothing but listens to what others are saying about the work and the way we did it was to not make any response or explanation for at least 10 minutes. It was a bit nerve-wracking but also really interesting as it's amazing to hear what others see in your work which you don't and also to find out what others are up to and what their motivations are. Anyway my doing last week was mostly along these lines -

trimming up pictures and gluing them into a notebook somewhat self aggrandisingly covered with a reflection self portrait - reflections are a recurring motif in my work, as I don't like being in pictures or having my picture taken but feel much more comfortable taking them myself - ideally in a dirty window. 

But I also take lots of other reflection style photos too. I did some research into reflections and portraits and I must dig it out so I can refresh my memory of it. 

This week it's a socratic crit format - and I need to take in something else so I am going to take in my initial copies of some dead flower portraits I am working on, and they look like this at the moment:

What else do I need to cover from my badly written post it note....well I've been trying to get to grips with some Baudrillard and am still halfway through an introductory guide which is providing much food for thought and interest, and rereading the feedback for the two assignments I handed in before xmas which thankfully I got good marks for - a massive relief as it has been so long since I did anything academic and it was good to realise I was and am jumping the academic hoops correctly...so far that is. 

I also went on a gallery tour of Leeds Art Gallery which made me look anew at my favourite victorian paintings in the Ziff room - I need to learn to really look at paintings slowly and carefully and not just immediately think of how the artist made a piece of work as opposed to why and how the kind of art an artist makes may also depend upon such straightforward practicalities as how much the artist could afford for materials at the time.

I've also got a new found respect for Tracey Emin after looking at her film about her growing up in Margate and love of disco dancing and Jeremy Millar's self portrait of himself as a drowned washed up corpse. Fascinating thought provoking stuff. I am also really enjoying the work of Ian Breakwell and his book Seeing In The Dark featuring people's memories of cinemas is an absolute joy.

Also on my post it note are the phrases 'tangential discovery' and 'wank flick and a cold bath' and I have no idea what the latter of those pertains to, except it's making me chuckle. There's also a note about moral qualms - as in I would have no moral qualms about showing a chums human remains (this is of course with their full permission in advance) but what about the feelings of their relatives? should they be taken into account to? 

I am slightly changing the way I work - though still research and photography based and in muted almost b+w colour but as I am increasingly mindful that I have so much to do and little time in which to do it, I am trying to switch off social media whilst I'm working so I don't get distracted by it and it's mostly working as is my habit of getting up and getting washed and dressed straight away and then putting the computer on and not the other way round.....still not quite worked out how to fit in more exercise though and I really need to get back into a decent gym habit too but for the time being this week is going to consist of lots more reading, more sewing, more gluing, a tutorial with my personal tutor and some film watching.

And last but not least my fave grave from Cleethorpes in which a voice from the tomb no less exhorts us to examine our foundations which is more or less exactly what I'm doing....... 

edited to add - the phrase 'wank and a cold bath' was in response to my post on Farcebook (delieberate sp) in which I said I'd watched a Frank Langella version of Dracula (it's beautiful to look at in places but otherwise dreadful so don't bother unless you want to see vampire finding horses and a Dracula with v Billy Boufant hair) and a chum told me of how she'd sagged off school to see it a cinema that usually showed 'mucky films' and a couple of people in the queue had bags with green towels in them....my increasingly poor memory is getting to be a bit of a concern....